Why Tantrums Aren’t Just Noise—and What Most Parents Get Wrong About Them

It’s 6:30 pm. You're tired, your child is tired, dinner is half-burnt, and the pressure cooker just hissed like it's judging your life choices. Suddenly, your three-year-old starts screaming because you put the yellow plate instead of the blue one. You take a deep breath (because everyone tells you to), but inside, you’re thinking—how did we get here again?

Welcome to the world of toddler tantrums—loud, emotional, and often so illogical they make you question your own sanity.

As a parent coach, I meet so many wonderful, well-meaning parents who say the same thing:

“I just want my child to listen without losing it.”

“I try being calm but nothing works.”

“I feel like I’m failing because this happens every single day.”

And I want to say this clearly:

You’re not failing. You’re just missing a map.

The tantrums you see on the outside are not just about what’s happening in the moment. They’re actually connected to what's happening inside your child’s brain. And if that sentence made you go, “Wait, what?”, you're not alone. I didn’t know this either until I read 'The Whole-Brain Child' and 'No-Drama Discipline' by Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson. Those books changed everything for me—and for the families I work with.

But before I dive into all the science-y stuff (which I won’t do here, don’t worry), I want to share one truth that’s worth sitting with:

Discipline isn’t about control. It’s about connection.

I know that’s hard to hear when your child is thrashing on the floor because the Wi-Fi stopped working or because they wanted to open the door themselves. But hear me out.

Let me give you one small shift—a real solution, not a tip or trick—that can make a difference right away:

The Problem: “My child won’t listen unless I yell.”

What this feels like: You try to be patient. You ask nicely. Nothing happens. You count to three. Still nothing. And finally, you raise your voice—and suddenly, your child listens.

What this really means: Your child is tuning in only when things get intense, which means their brain has started to associate connection with chaos. This creates a pattern where yelling becomes the trigger for action.

The Shift: Start connecting before correcting.

(Not after things spiral. Not when they’re calm. Before you even talk about what went wrong.)

Even something as simple as saying, “You really didn’t want to stop playing, huh?” while looking at them and touching their arm changes how their brain receives your words. It doesn’t mean you’re letting them off the hook. It means you’re showing up as the calm in their storm—not adding thunder.

This one shift? It’s deceptively simple. But when practiced consistently, it starts to rewire how your child sees you—not as the person who “makes them stop,” but as the person who gets them.

Now, of course, there’s so much more to it. Tantrums aren’t one-size-fits-all. Some kids throw things. Some shut down. Some hit. Some cry silently. And the way we respond needs to match their emotional capacity—not just their age.

That’s where the brain science from these books really comes alive—and why I built my entire tantrum coaching program around them.

If you’re a parent who’s tired of feeling like you’re in survival mode every day…

If you’re done Googling “how to deal with tantrums” at 2 am…

And if you want to *understand* your child instead of just trying to “fix” them…

Then this is where we begin.

Let’s stop surviving tantrums. Let’s start decoding them. Click below to find the calm you are looking for.

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